This blog post is merely for my memories sake. I hope some day to look back at this and smile at all my children, but for now, it's just a reminder of what we long for.
Soon after Chesney was born, we knew we were ready for more children. That was nearly a year and a half ago, and we still long to expand our family. We have had 18 months of disappointment and fertility challenges.
We found out we were pregnant in March 2011 with a baby who would have been due in October. About a week after finding out we were pregnant, I started bleeding and soon found out we were going to miscarry. No miscarriage is easy to handle, but this one wasn't nearly as tough as our first miscarriage (prior to Chesney). We had been in those shoes before and understood that the next pregnancy after a miscarriage would be a healthy pregnancy...WRONG, DEAD WRONG!
In May 2011, we once again were pregnant (baby would have been due now - January). This pregnancy seemed so normal. Symptoms, expending belly, and the whole nine yards. We went to our 8 week appointment in mid June where the ultrasound showed no heart beat. Our OB thought our dates may have been off and asked us to return in 2 weeks. Trust me, when you miscarry as often as we have and wait for so long to have children (mixed with a strong Type A personality), you know your dates. So we returned on July 5, 2011 for a repeat ultrasound (just Chesney and I) to hear the same news. We had two ultrasounds that day with the same disappointing results. DEVASTATING! I cried the entire way home and only stopped to order french fries and cheese curds from Culvers as a pitty meal. I fed Chesney and put her down for a nap and cried over my pitty meal.
I thought I had hit rock bottom at that point...not even close. My OB always watches my beta quant levels return to zero after a miscarriage, so every 1-2 weeks, I had blood tests to check my levels. I watched the number slowly fall, very slowly. Finally in late August, my numbers actually started to increase a little instead of falling. My OB thought I may be pregnant yet again and asked me to repeat my lab work in two days. The number barely moved in that two days, so I was asked to have an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed a mess of blood vessels. So that afternoon, I was admitted for surgery (D&C). Once again, I had to start to watch my numbers fall. This time, they fell much quicker and by late September I was at zero.
September and October however were the darkest days I have every experienced. I cried myself to sleep every night. I wondered why we had lost so many babies and prayed that we would be blessed with another baby soon. October is a month that has taken so much from us. 3 of our 5 babies were due in October...0 who are with us today.
In late October, my best friend, Sarah, asked me to read "Heaven is for Real". This is the book that helped me move forward. In this book, the little boy is near death during which time he visits Heaven. In one part of the book, he tells his mom that he saw his sister. His mom is confused until she realizes they had miscarried a baby and this was who he was referring to. That hit me hard. Right then I realized that I would see my 4 babies again some day. It also helped me to realize why we may have "lost" so many babies. I've always wanted a big family, and I believe God knows this as well. He knows that I will likely leave this Earth before my children and once I reach Heaven, I will have a big family waiting up there for me as well.
I'm defiantly not in that place of grief anymore but I still cry a lot. I still feel like I have been slapped in the face when my patient's ask me "when are you going to have another one", "don't you think she needs a brother or sister", or "she's not going to be an only child is she". And comments like "it'll work out" or "any news yet" make me want to scream. Trust me, when things work out, you and everyone in the world will know.
I pray that another miracle is in store for us. We have yet to make it to a first doctors appointment to hear a heartbeat and know we have a healthy pregnancy. Even with Chesney's pregnancy, I started bleeding at 6 weeks and was told we were going to miscarry. Until 12 weeks, we knew that our pregnancy with her was day to day and risky. All we ask for is another healthy pregnancy, and it would be a bonus to make that first appointment to hear a heartbeat.
To our 4 angels who got your wings before we could meet you, we miss you and love you. We shall meet again. And welcome to our youngest who we should be snuggling in our arms now. And to our angel here on Earth, we love you more than words can explain Chesney. We promise to bring the brother or sister you keep asking for.
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